Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart.
– Jack Johnson
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it’s so hard?
It’s not always easy, and sometimes life can be deceiving
I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together.
When I sat down to write this, I knew that I wanted to write about marriage. I wanted to put my thoughts into words regarding what makes a marriage strong, and what makes a marriage last. I started thinking about all the cringe-worthy and cliche marriage advice that I have seen and heard through the years, and the last thing I want is for my words to be categorized as such. So many times, we’ve had others ask us what our secret is. They wonder how we possibly could have found each other so young, and never felt the need to see what else was out there. I had every intention of sharing all of my tips for a “healthy and happy” marriage, but the thing is, what’s the point? Is there even such a thing? Every relationship is its own entity. Every marriage is unique, and what works for some might not work for others.
The best way that I know how to give others insight into how our eighteen year relationship has lasted this long, and is still holding strong, is to speak directly to you. Truth is, it’s a simple thing. It all comes down to one truth- we’re just better when we’re together.
We’re better together because when we are apart, I miss you. Like REALLY miss you. With every fiber of my being. I get how incredibly cheesy that sounds, but there truly isn’t a human on this Earth that I would rather spend my time with, and even after all these years, I need to be near you. You calm me, you make me feel safe.
With that being said, we’re also better together because we allow each other the space and time we need to do our own thing. As much as I miss you when we’re apart, I also need time for myself, and you give that to me. Whether it’s a girl’s night out or my annual girl’s trip, my workouts at the gym, or an afternoon to read a book or write, you understand. For you, it’s your hockey league, and your time spent building, fixing, and landscaping in the garage and yard. I remember way back when I told you I wanted to move two hours away to go to college. Without you. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make, knowing that I wouldn’t see your face and kiss you every day. I just knew deep down that I needed to go. And you let me. You trusted me. Sometimes, time spent apart is all it takes to see clarity in a relationship. As much as I love who we are together, it’s equally as important for us to find ourselves as individuals, and to support one another when we need to step back and take that breath.
We’re better together because we communicate. Period. I believe to my core that two people in love need to speak to one another. I mean really speak, and in turn, really listen. This has not always come easy to us, and there have been instances in the past where the fear of revealing our deepest thoughts, fears, dreams and exposing our faults, our reservations, and our mistakes have almost cost us our relationship. I had to learn that you can’t read my mind, and if I want something, or need something from you, I have to say it. Out loud. Explicitly. As much as women want to dream it’s true, men can’t read our minds. You had to learn that it’s not worth it to keep something from someone you love for fear of disappointing them or for fear of baring your weaknesses. Love is messy. Love is complicated, but it’s also unyielding. You’ve taught me that as long as we are willing to lay it all out on the table, as bad as it might be, we will always remain steady.
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
– Jack Johnson
Like, a shoebox of photographs
With sepia-toned loving.
We’re better together because we are willing to speak each other’s love languages. Which are completely different. You crave physical touch and quality time, and I need words of affirmation and devotion. It might sound completely ridiculous, but when you take the time to tell me that a meal I cooked was delicious (even when it’s not), or when you compliment me on something I did or the way I look, it means the world to me. I tend to be a perfectionist, and I’m hard on myself. Since becoming a mom, my self-esteem has taken a hit, and you notice it. You go above and beyond to make me realize I’m beautiful inside and out, and you express it to me both verbally and with your actions. It’s vital to a relationship to be able to recognize how your partner wants to be loved, and how they need to be loved. Sometimes it’s the same as you, and sometimes it’s different, but what matters the most is that it’s not ignored, not ridiculed, and not more or less important than your own.
We’re better together because we remind ourselves that we were husband and wife first, and parents second. Let’s be real. Once you have kids, it’s more than easy to let your entire life be consumed by them. During the day you’re working, wiping butts, cleaning messes, driving to baseball practice, putting out fires, cooking, doing laundry, entertaining and playing, and at night you are so exhausted from all the aforementioned activities that you’re lucky if you get an hour of quality time together before you’re both passed out on couch. If you aren’t with the kids, you’re talking about the kids, and it’s so easy to make excuses. You always put me first. When I’m so consumed with being a mom to the point that I’m about to lose my shit, you pull me back and help me remember that I was a wife first. You take me out for a date night, you kiss me a million times a day, you hug me, you hold my hand. You dance with me in the kitchen, and you make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I can only hope that by seeing our love for each other, our children will grow up to find that kind of love themselves.
We’re better together because when things get bad, and they’ve gotten bad, we don’t give up. We don’t push each other away, but instead lean on each other. We also don’t ignore the problem, hoping it will get better or go away. No matter how effed up it gets, we work through it. We’ve both made mistakes, but despite that, I think I can count the blow up fights we’ve had in eighteen years on one hand. Sure, we argue. Hell, there have been many nights we went to bed mad- gasp! And that’s okay. It’s okay if we need some time, it’s okay if we need to work through a devastating situation in our own way. But we always come back. We always talk it out. We always force our way through the bad in order to come out on the other side.
But there is not enough time,
– Jack Johnson
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We’re better together
We met as kids, and we’ve grown into the best version of ourselves, together. We’re better together because we compromise. We’re better together because we have a vision of what we want our life to be like and we work our asses off to try and make that a reality. We’re better together because I need your steadfast calm demeanor to balance out my crazy. We’re better together because we make each other laugh until we cry, and we let each other cry until we’re laughing again. We’re better together because we’ve never known what love is like apart, and we have never wanted to find out.
We’ve always been enough. You’ve always been enough. I choose you, and I will continue to choose you every single day for the rest of my life because it honestly is infinitely better when we’re together.
